The
dictionary defines
self-worth as “
the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person.” However, there are many ways for a person to value themselves and assess their worth as a human being, and some of these are more psychologically beneficial than others. In this article, we discuss the value of true self-worth, how to build this type of self-worth and why so many of us lack a feeling of worthiness.
(Jer 1:5] "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb.
[Ps139:13] For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I was valuable before I did anything.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things.
Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem
Although, self-worth is often used as a synonym for “self-esteem,” Dr. Lisa Firestone believes that self-worth should be less about measuring yourself based on external actions and more about valuing your inherent worth as a person. In other words, self-worth is about who you are, not about what you do.
Isaiah 44:24,Isaiah 49:15,Psalm 71:6,Jeremiah 1:5,Galatians 1:15
Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, who formed you from the womb:
“I am the Lord, who made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens,
who spread out the earth by myself,
“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the daughter of her womb?
Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
Dr. Kristin Neff argues that there is a problem with society’s focus on high self-esteem. The problem is that this focus involves measuring oneself against others, rather than paying attention to one’s intrinsic value. “Our competitive culture tells us we need to be special and above average to feel good about ourselves, but we can’t all be above average at the same time,” says Dr. Neff. In this sense, searching for self-worth by constantly comparing
ourselves to others means to always be fighting a losing battle. As Dr. Neff says, “There is always someone richer, more attractive, or successful than we are. And even when we do manage to feel self-esteem for one golden moment, we can’t hold on to it. Our sense of self-worth bounces around like a ping-pong ball, rising and falling in lock-step with our latest success or failure.”
Furthermore, studies now show that basing one’s self-worth on external factors is actually harmful to one’s mental health. One
study at the University of Michigan found that college students who base their self-worth on external sources (including academic performance, appearance and approval from others) reported more stress, anger, academic problems and relationship conflicts. They also had higher levels of alcohol and drug use, as well as more symptoms of eating disorders. The same study found that students who based their self-worth on internal sources, not only felt better, they also received higher grades and were less likely to use drugs and alcohol or to develop eating disorders.
Although real accomplishments are important to acknowledge as you build your sense of self, your self-worth should also take in to account the unique qualities that make you
you. As mindfulness expert,
Dr. Donna Rockwell points out, we are all unique and that, in and of itself, gives each of us inherent value. According to Dr. Firestone, “We shouldn’t be rating ourselves, we should just be ourselves.”
Upon you I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother's womb.My praise is continually of you
How to Build Self-Worth
The first step in building self-worth is to stop comparing yourself to others and evaluating your every move; in other words, you need to challenge your
critical inner voice. The
critical inner voice is like a nasty coach in our heads that constantly nags us with destructive thoughts towards ourselves or others. This internalized dialogue of critical thoughts or “inner voices” undermines our sense of self-worth and even leads to self-destructive or maladaptive behaviors, which make us feel even worse about ourselves. Your sick parents will still love you in their unhealthy ways. As Dr. Lisa Firestone explained in her article “
7 Reasons Most People Are Afraid of Love:”
We all have an "unhealthy inner voice,” which acts like a confusing and un-nice coach inside our heads that we accept that we are worthless or undeserving of happiness or put ourselves in unhealthy situations, as we know not what else to do. This voice is shaped from painful childhood experiences and what ancestors thought was love attitudes we were exposed to early in life as well as feelings our parents and grandparents and so on had about themselves. While these attitudes can be hurtful, over time, they have become stuck in us. As adults, we may fail to see them as unhealthy, instead accepting this stuck point of view as our own. This is not to learn to be resentful and further hurt ourselves but to have a wisdom of understanding in the ways of the sad world.
However, we can
challenge the inner critic and begin to see ourselves for who we really are, rather than taking on its negative point of view about ourselves. We can differentiate from the ways we were seen in our family of origin and begin to understand and appreciate our own feelings, thoughts, desires and values.
But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace, Galatians 1:15
A true sense of self-worth can also be fostered by practicing
self-compassion. Developed by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would treat a puppy or kitten. This involves taking on what
Dr. Dan Siegel describes as the “
COAL” attitude, which means being Curious, Open, Accepting and Loving toward yourself and your experiences rather than being self-critical. There are three steps to practicing self-compassion:
1) Acknowledge and notice your suffering. Forgive yourself for hurting yourself.
2) Be kind and caring in response to suffering. Be gentle by not getting hungry, angry, lonely, tired or thirsty. Plenty of rest, wrap yourself up in a duvet and keep warm. cuddle teddy bear, read a loving book, eat a chocolate bar, watch a happy movie, listen to bouncy music, exercise with friends and chat. Find groups and hobbies that support you and your body feels good about. Reduce and fade away situations that don't help your self-worth. Find healthy groups of people where you can share safely and enjoy friendships on a weekly basis. Don't expect too much from people or yourself. Keep yourself clean and tidy. Go to doctor or dentist and ensure your body is looked after and respected by yourself.
3) Remember that imperfection is part of
the human experience and something we all share. If resentful, get help or write in a journal and burn it. Resentment is like a bleeding sore that needs washing and healing.
Adding meaning to your life, by taking part in activities that you feel are important, is another great way to build self-worth. Helping others, for example, offers a huge boost to your sense of self-worth.
Generosity is good for you, both physically and mentally, and studies now show that volunteering has a very positive affect on how people feel about themselves. Train as a second hand shop helper, ambulance officer, join a music club, learn an instrument, take a course that is fun for you. Other
studies have found that faith and fellowshipping with a church that is suitable for you, correlates with a higher sense of self-worth in adolescents. People find meaning in many different ways; think about the activities and interests that feel meaningful to you personally and pursue those activities to build a more positive feeling of self-worth. Researcher Dr. Jennifer Crocker suggests that you find “a goal that is bigger than the self.” As
Dr. Robert Firestone says, “Investing energy in transcendent goals and activities that extend beyond one’s self interest, for example, contributing to a humanitarian cause or trying, in some way, to improve the lot of future generations, helps build self-esteem.”
Acting on principles, in ways that you respect, is another important quality to foster as you develop a higher level of self-worth. “Make a concerted effort to maintain personal integrity in your life by insisting that your actions correspond to your words,” suggests Dr. Robert Firestone. When our actions do not match our words, we are more vulnerable to attacks from our critical inner voice and less likely to respect ourselves.
By challenging your un-happy inner voice and avoid comparing yourself unhealthily to others, you can begin to get a feeling for your own self-worth. By pursuing activities that are meaningful to you and acting in line with your own personal beliefs, you can develop your sense of yourself as a worthwhile person in the world even further. Don't take any notice of those with the same problem and aren't trying to heal themselves. Keep contact with other self-healers of themselves. You can only give what you have got to others which is healthy. Keep on keeping on and take one moment at a time. God bless.
